i`ll be there

on the ground

2006-04-09T14:03:00.000-07:00

all i can see in your eyes is anger,
scream silently, helpless action,
another young life is in danger,
no one shows any reaction,

lights turn off, as i walk by,
whispered rumours about him,
time when ground turns into sky,
abandoned places where i`ve been,

no smile satisfies me anymore,
finally, the kiss i`ve been waiting for,
pretend your life is just fine,
remember bowling columbine,

no colors left in my eyes,
they`re all gone as all the fights,
no wrath in the mirror,
blood on my shirt is minor.

runaway

2006-01-12T13:05:00.000-08:00

you come back from the city. sit down, veil yourself in blanket and try not to think about what has happened. last few days are forever gone and you will never ever have a chance for remedy. days that disappeared from calendar. i`m too weak to regret, just because my head aches so much. i always have the same picture on my mind, me running away from everything. street, lights, cars and me, running as fast as i can. not thinking about the consequences, because there would be no. one last runaway.

mountain

2005-12-11T14:06:00.000-08:00

as a white wolf i`ve been searching,
for a golden path and better feeling,
just don`t let me be alone,
lost my scars back in the woods,

climbing up on the mountain,
shiny piece of veiled future,
my death i don`t want to sustain,
keep my head up and maintain,

first day of the rest of my life,
same decisions, but different reasons,
now i know i deserve much better,
safer place with no treasons,

take away the deep-rooted pain,
i`m no more victim of friday`s rain,
invicible, so high as i feel,
what`s about to come, the fall.

unintended

2005-12-08T13:40:00.000-08:00

when darkness illuminates light, it`s the time when i lay my head down and close my eyes. i dream of a better life than this, of better place than this, of not having this tumour in my head. it takes few days to get up and perceive things properly, but it takes few minutes to bring me down to my knees. someone who was once a friend of mine told me how i should live, the one and only appropriate way of living. at that moment i felt like a machine, like most of my dreams are being burnt. passing the time i`m being more and more irritated by this term 'appropriate life'. being different doesn`t count. but when you think about it, who are those special people. i`m sure that each one of us wants to feel like that and suppose that he is the king of his own mind, infinite lord of truth and right for hate and love. but then, am i one of those normal people? so why does my head shatters, when everyone around laughs and has a real life...

hole

2005-12-06T14:28:00.000-08:00

why am i so afraid of the future? now, when things seem to be going well, i`m so f* scared, that everything will disappear and stain my mind with black again. but why can`t i see the white, shine of a opportunity, that i was waiting for. why can`t i rejoice over it..why am i still being pulled back by history, old memories...it`s like plague in my mind i can`t ged rid of completely. it`s present every day, every minute, on each step i do...and right now, i wish SO MUCH, that it won`t affect that opportunity that is waiting on me. i haven`t got faintest notion what to do,...we`re all alone when it comes to situations like these. alone.
i`m gonna wake up next morning and try not to...not to fall down in The Hole again...
any ideas are welcome, because i feel like i know what i want, but can`t approach it, because of me,..

beats

2005-12-04T11:49:00.000-08:00

what`s the difference between being in a bad mood and the opposite? curious coincidence, unspoken words we haven`t expected, smile on a face of a stranger, forgotten memories from our past, those little details you may not even notice... i wish i could decode this secret to make following days at least half that extraordinary as this one was. i suppose, that i could easily get used to life like this. but, at least for that one day, i don`t regret anything...and it`s good to know that sometimes you get back, what you`ve given to others.

if you want, take a look here - some nice beats:
http://www.65daysofstatic.com/
http://www.ourmindstate.com/

remember me

2005-11-27T12:36:00.000-08:00

on your face i see the compassion,
walking down the street without caution,
trying to forget about the past years,
i`m left alone with my fears,

loneliness is my only companion,
don`t want to feel like i did that night,
show me moves you did back in the day,
silhouette and sunlight behind you,

dancin` between hate and love,
moments can be so nice, show me how,
as much as we can, we will depart,
from shadows back to light,

another night, different fight,
it`s time to lay your pride aside,
can`t wait till you make the decision,
spines of disbelief, my opposition,

dedicated to all those who left someone.

chloroform

2005-11-26T15:03:00.000-08:00

touch me whenever you want,
enter my world, so unintended,
you may change the color, but i won`t,
drown your ego, fainted,

why would you do that,
for all the wrong reasons,
exploit my trust, you`re the winner,
leave me behind, your treason,

take a look around,
you say such things happen,
my veins are stricken,
your voice, that repulsive sound,

act like an idiot,
this is my personal riot,
think you know what i feel,
don`t tell me the love is real,

remember those who you leave behind,
wishful rest you can`t find,
suck the life out of me,
different as we will be.

one day

2005-11-25T07:29:00.000-08:00

do you remember those days,
stolen life from the posters,
falling apart in many ways,
why do i care `bout the posers,

the ones, who do the damage,
watch yourself and care `bout your image,
am i worth enough to you to look at me,
imperfect face, you turn away from me,

i`m still going somewhere,
my breath is more than i can bear,
thousands of victims of mass appeal,
pass me by, dont pretend i`ve ever been,

brief taste of coming end,
wanna close my eyes,
let the river drift me away,
i will let you go, one day.

red eyed

2005-09-16T16:12:00.000-07:00

it`s been four years,
since we broke up,
left each other in tears,
how could i forget that bump,

every night i dream of you,
cold as winter breeze,
but you will not respond, hate you,
standing still like shit, freeze,

cant you hear me screaming,
silent faces everywhere i move,
hatred in me, life is disappearing,
everything is perfect, so cool, i disapprove,

cant you see me crying,
odious taste of your callousness,
anger that spreads, i can`t stop that feeling,
your silence can`t fill my emptiness,

cant you see me leaving,
stuck in a body with no life,
i can`t feel my heart pumping,
ten thounsand bees out of their hive,

there`s a child in my eyes,
situations got fucked up, i regret,
i remember those times,
harassment of cold world, try to forget,

weak as i am, red eyed,
you`re speechless when i`m escaping,
sick of all the words kept concealed,
all the faults are not fading,

dedicated to all those people who bring me down.

simple

2005-07-07T14:50:00.000-07:00

when the road seems to have no end,
endless fields on both sides, so scary,
future and hate, all this in his hand,
keep on smiling, they say its necessary,

another day shatters when it comes to this,
rather look down on the pavement than in the eyes,
lost control of his life, goodbye and one last kiss,
tears on his cheeks, doesnt know the price,

thursday`s night and i cant stop crying,
timid young soul falls apart, again,
i will pretend that i`m fine, saved by lying,
but i know that my life is pretty plain..

Doubtful

2005-05-26T12:14:00.000-07:00

Unce upon a time, there was a boy named Tommy. People used to laugh at him most of the time. He`s always been that doll on the strings of the others. Brought up to be a genuine slave. 'Bring me that..do this..clean this..shut up'. He couldnt resist, coz he has never seen the other side, although he`s been dreaming about it every night he laid down on the bed. Intentionally brought up to be weak to resist, in the name of moral values, meant to be a perfect reflection of parent`s dreams. As the time passed by, he stopped believing in hope, didnt want to be betrayed once again. All the colors he could see faded little by little, left him alone in the middle of the fantastic life stories of other people. But his own doubtful life..he didnt have one. Childish dreams of disappearing - let them see his 'truth', that`s what he calls revenge, despite the fact, he is the mistake, the mess...

better way out

2005-05-01T08:05:00.000-07:00

It may sound kinda weird, but last two days were little bit better than the others. Not just because of the weather, shining sun aso, but i have also refused to work hard just to satisfy bunch of old teachers. no thanks. i`ve decided to dedicate more time to myself. and you know what? i`ve had few good moments after then ... i wasnt thinking about the common things that much.....rarely i`ve got that feeling that everything is allright. it doesn`t last very long, but it`s such a different feeling that it`s worth to remember and gain some power... Yesterday, sunny afternoon,..i went to the shop to buy some food, but chose a different wat to get there. Do you remember that scene from American beauty, a street with the alley and the funeral cars? It was much the same, just w/o the funeral cars:) No other people on the street, just me...passing by the houses, you could hear a screaming child, a barbecue party or see a goodlooking girl (50% of barbie:)) in a fancy car. Little details that helped to create that feeling, that everything is allright...at least for a while.

crash

2005-04-21T06:44:00.000-07:00

"it`s the sense of touch. i think we miss that touch so much, that we crash into each other, just so we can feel something..." - Crash

Faster, faster

2005-04-15T15:41:00.000-07:00

I want it right now,
spotless mind, cant hold it anymore,
there`s no time, i`ve got to believe,
problem in the mirror, dont simplify,
i`m on my own, i`m where i don`t wanna be,
it`s the hate that spreads, multiply,
this is not my home, i may be wrong,
few keys but no doors to open,
they told me to hold on, be strong,
you`re leaving me now, first sign,
smooth skin, dont touch, it`s a lie,
dont look back, i will be fine,
i will find myself on the first of july,
one way to escape, from ground to sky,
shallow consideration, now it`s history,
in the reflection of the screen,
i`m skinny, but definitely not funny,
betrayed when i was sweet fifteen,
keep the hands away, he has a tumour,
it`s my life, my decision, blurry vision,
drive me away,
faster...

Box

2005-04-13T07:29:00.000-07:00

No people, but boxes. Silent boxes moving from place to place like ants. It`s only the fizzle you can hear. All of the boxes are branded. Looking at you through the eyes of various brands, comparing you with themselves. You are 'better' or 'worse', their judicious look. Shiny, happy people trying to persuade you, that making money is great. Britney is toxic. Impersonal of senteces, 5 minute pleasures, live your life, spend a lot of money, pretend to be contented, your dreams are unimportant to us, shut up and do what we say. i should like parties, look like the guy from the Calvin Klein poster, i should be rich, to satisfy my parents and their efforts. so many things i should have done, so many things i`m not able to do, dont have charateristics you want me to have. i`m a creep.

Wake up (hate)

2005-04-09T16:52:00.000-07:00

This should have been another day dedicated to work. I woke up at half past 7, but my laziness prevailed so i wasn`t really enthusiastic to do anything...as some kind of dust has fallen on the floor and you just keep on starring on the traces, left behind by people you may not even know. I mean, have you ever thought that you feel closeness of the death? It`s more than 24 hours that one of our neighbours died. I didnt even know him personally, but three or four hours before it happenned i had met him in front of his house and...it`s strange, when you think about his last few hours and realize that he didn`t know what was going to happen. He did the same things as usually, but...no, i don`t want to say that you should enjoy your days as much as u can, i`m just thinking about the silence that follows...
(...) I`ve decided not to write the whole story (it didnt happen to me...but), because it tears me apart right now and it`s kind of thing people don`t speak about... I`m so f* angry, because i dont understand...18 and raped 5 times at once. What kind of f* monsters...I`m sick of society right now, it makes me think about all the consequences of such experience, etc. Suffering silence in the middle of the storm.

it`s never enough

2005-04-05T14:49:00.000-07:00

well, there`s not much to say. i`ve got so much work to do right now, that i have to shorten my weekend at home:( but i consider it to be something like a test of my will, whether it`s strong enough to overcome this - heh:) Or it`s just another excuse...anyway, at least i know i won`t be able to see another movie of the Febiofest > f* brilliant. but i`m glad, that i`ve seen one and hope it will remain written in my head, such a great experience...

'hope is worst of evils, for it prolongs torments of the man' - nietzsche

Say

2005-03-28T01:25:00.000-08:00

It may sound weird, but i live for days which are different than the others. I dont care about those normal days, when you act like a robot, forced to be concerned about things you dont even like. I`m waiting for them to come, it`s something like perfect escape from reality. When you stop in the middle of these moments and realize their specialness, you try to memorize it. There`s only one thing that has been bothering me about that. Can we fully realize them? They may not happen again - they`re completely lost somewhere in our consciousness. It`s one day, one moment, one decision - what to with time that was given. At least for me it`s something special. After few chances, situations i have missed i would like to believe that i`ve changed and i`m able to react properly and can say what i want, although it may not be easy. But once again i`ve failed. Surprised? Not much. I`m sick of doing the same mistakes again and again. Why is it so difficult for people to tell others their wishes, unusual words. It caused another missed opportunity. And the conclusion? Dont be afraid to express your thoughts, you never know when you will have another chance to do it. If you dont, you will regret it as i do.

Park

2005-03-27T14:25:00.000-08:00

Saturday afternoon. Second day of Easter was meant to be another chillout day. I was really going to enjoy it as much as i could, just because i felt wasted from the prague. After getting off the bus, i turned my discman on and walked toward street where i lived few years ago, while listening to Everything but the girl and Groove armada. I was heading to an graffity happening, so finally when i arrived i was somehow impressed, because i didnt expect so many people and not even a good graffitys, but i must admit that i was surprised...after spending some time there and realizing that i have more than hour till meeting, i decided to visit a park where i used to play when i was a kid. On the way i remembered of some stories that happened...but they all seemed to be a history now, maybe i`m old:). When i entered the park i felt like a different person, i mean, it was still the same place, even though some flip-flaps were different,...i dont know. maybe i`m just too sentimental:) i sit down at the end of the park, looking on the new children playing and their parents watching them. I dont know if i would go back in time and became a child again...wish, that something from that part of my life is still present in me:/ anyway, i dont regret going there. i`ve refreshed all the memories and just for a little while i felt like...more balanced and satisfied...

bad habits

2005-03-13T09:39:00.000-08:00

Sometimes i ask myself why do i keep on doing some 'bad habits'. No matter what happens, result is in most cases negative and afterwards i`m angry and in bad mood. I realize that these habits may be such a f* waste of my time, but anyway i feel attracted to them. Now i don`t even know about anything what could change it. Maybe i should finally throw my PC out of a window and do something, and although i know what it should be, it seems to be far-away. I deserve to be kicked, punched...maybe...then i would get up and change my life somehow. who knows...:)

Torch

2005-03-09T11:38:00.000-08:00

blaze seemed to be so weak,
until hidden power appeared out of shadow,
love the natural smell of a body,
restless power in us,

the candle flares more than ever, so why do i worry
i bear witness against loneliness,
remember times when we were young,
enjoyed life, couldnt see the end,

there`s a shallow barrier,
dreaming of getting over it, hope you too,
i`m fragile, like the glass when it breaks,
now i feel the reason why to endure,

want to be a hostage of your life,
draw a story on a blanket paper,
never burn what was built,
drifted by life, as i`ve never been.

sorry for these posts. i`m cold and can`t concentrate as i would like to - actually i`ve missedthree lecture todays..i`m not such a candid student:)lol

The Grey Street

2005-03-09T09:49:00.000-08:00

i was blind, i couldnt see,
there was something about to happen,
it`s the confession that follows,
it`s the sky that clarifies,

blurred thoughts, i`m confused,
thinking of possible solutions,
don`t want to loose any other illusions,
i was blind, i couldnt speak,

harmless moment, always so excited,
silent tongue, loosing my mind,
want to go further,
see the better place than this,

with no greed, no callousness,
run away from here, with me,
closer to the end, you look at the Grey Street,
dont want to be mate with uncertainity,
would you recognize me in crowd?

join me in the silence

2005-03-05T15:23:00.000-08:00

somehow i forgot to post new things for the sake of a new term. yeah. right now i`m only in 4th term, but i cant say i`m not scared. i mean... all the assignments, a timetable that doesnt fit etc... it`s just the beginning and i just think of running away, somewhere...a better place. but i managed to get over the first week and was excited about the weekend. once again i was naive and believed in comfortable trip. during that day several people pissed me off = i missed the bus, arrived 1,5 hour later and so on. so just before the midnight i was at home. finally. i was just looking forward to get into the bed and fall asleep. but still the best part of the weekend was just about to come next morning. after a week or two spent in prague in residencia de estudiantes, the thing i most appreciate is a shower:) blah blah...went to the city, and had a delightful day i think. but at the end of the day, i dont know why, but i had a bad mood. reason?..i wish i could be free. to run away from home, school and be able to spend some time with people i like. seems to be so easy, but so naive. yeah, i`m. i just feel to be bound so much to the things i dont really care of. i wish i could scream now, but i`m quiet (sorry...). i wish i could run away, but i stand still.

monday

2005-02-28T05:11:00.000-08:00

nothing special happened and even though i`m....situation here with my roommate went kinda downhill. i`ve probably screwed it up more than i thought. it`s because i interrupted him and his gilfriend during this weekend when they were going to have sex. well, i didnt know where to go. i just came back from a ski-trip and have no other place to go here in prague. but it`s me who feels guilty. do i deserve this?
i woke up this morning, not feeling better than yesterday...went to the city to buy some unimportant stuff such as food, notebooks...i hate days like these. honestly. all the people in subway walking almost silently like furious ants. am i misanthrope? well, i dont know. it`s just that all i hear is silence (except of school where i have to listen to 50-60 years old people who have no bond to reality) ...only when i`m in company of people i really like...only then wrath seems to be unknown
conclusion: i will be offline for few days, just to calm down, forget about these inward thoughts and find again a reason not to feel guilty, a reason why to get up and do something.....or again i will just sit and wait till it will be over. most of all i regret that it interferes people i like...

1st

2005-02-27T06:59:00.000-08:00

it`s another sunday afternoon and again i`m doing some unimportant stuff on computer. so meanwhile, i`ve decided to create this blog. don`t even know the reason...
i`m not really in the best shape right now. my mood is kinda...i`ve had better days. it`s just like everything is going somewhere, but i`m standing and starring at people having fun, working or just enjoying life. like i don`t have any goal i would like to achieve. i wish i could stand up, do something, i know it would help me, but i don`t have any idea what to do.
pick up phone, call some friends and go in the city. yeah, sounds good, but impossible...
maybe i will go to a shop and buy something for dinner, or i will enjoy my headache. it doesn`t matter..right?